Gay versus divorced

The last few weeks I've really felt like God was impressing upon me the similarities around being divorced and being gay.  Many Christian churches used to shun those who were divorced.  Many times they didn't even try to find out the details regarding the divorce, such as if adultery was involved, or if they were left by the other spouse.  Fortunately, I am not in the generation that was impacted by that.  But, I have struggled with figuring out where I have sinned, or am still sinning, in this area.  I also wonder if others judge me because of the number of times I've been divorced.  I also have been realizing that according to scripture, I should not ever remarry (1 Cor 7:11) and, of course, no sex ever again.  That is a sad and depressing thought.  But, at least I've had the pleasure of marriage before, and I have 2 wonderful daughters.  What about the gay Christian that thinks he/she can never have this?  I can't imagine that kind of despair.   

I've had some Christians tell me that my last divorce was not sinful because my husband essentially left me because of his unacceptable behavior and that he refused to change.  I've been told the same thing about my first husband who was physically abusive.  But, there is nothing explicit in the Bible that these are legitimate reasons for divorce.  Why is it that some Christians try to justify these exceptions for divorce, but these same ones do not grant an exception for marriage between LGBT individuals?  Why is it that if I did remarry, and therefore would be in sin, that I wouldn't be shunned, nor would people feel the need to point out my sin, or struggle with how to show me love without condoning my behavior, but for LGBT folks it is different?  Our society obviously has a prejudice against those who are LGBT.  Isn't it obvious to Christians that we are being sinful by not loving them and not making them feel welcome, accepted, and loved by God.    

The same leaders in our church who may not grant us permission for a ministry to build bridges with the gay community, are the same ones who approved a divorce recovery ministry.  Did they struggle with approving that?  

Starting a new ministry

A lot has occurred since the last time I wrote in this blog.  I have to admit that I really do NOT like writing.  It is very difficult for me.  But, I do think God is using my journey to cause a lot of improvements in my life.  I also believe He wants me to help others in a similar situation in a more concrete manner.  So, even though there’s other things I’d rather be doing, I am writing here again because I sense that this is another tool God wants to use for both my growth, and to help others.

With encouragement from my mentor, about 5 months ago I began making concrete steps towards having a ministry in this area which I've blogged about.  I can really see how God has been moving in this process and how it is HIS ministry.  I coordinated some focus group meeting to get others' ideas about such a ministry.  God has called 2 other moms with gay sons to be part of the leadership team.  Three other Christians with same sex attraction also felt called to be a part of the ministry.  And, there have been about 3 other loved ones referred to us that are in need of support.    

With input from the focus groups, we identified a name for the ministry, created a mission statement, and refined a written description for the ministry.  This was a lot harder than I had anticipated.  Even figuring out how we refer to the members or beneficiaries of this ministry was difficult.  We finally landed on having 2 parts of the ministry.  The first is for a support group for loved ones with an LGBT (lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, or transgender) person.  The second is for building bridges between the Christian and the LGBT communities.  We had multiple meetings with some leaders at our church and received initial approval from our church to be part of their Freezone Ministries.  We’ve surveyed some other churches in the area; created a brochure to explain this new ministry; defined a meeting preamble to be read at the beginning of each meeting; created a Facebook page; and created a website. 

I’ve decided to blog about some of the challenges around creating and eventually running this ministry, with my own personal perspective on my feelings and my continual journey in growing as a child of God through this process.  Having a responsibility in this more public official ministry, I find that it is much more difficult to blog about this issue.  There are so many people I could offend or that could misunderstand my heart or intentions around this ministry.  I fear it could also put a stop to this entire ministry.  The elders and pastors at my church are already quite concerned about our ministry, especially the bridge building side of the ministry.  They are concerned about the ministry misconstruing the church’s position regarding homosexuality.  I strongly feel that if we as Christians stay silent around this issue and not actively reach out to the gay community and those that love them, that we are doing GRAVE harm to not only LGBT individuals and their loved ones, but also to the church as a whole and that it will also prevent many people from embracing the gospel.  This not only includes those personally impacted by LGBT issues, but also many people in our society who are watching the church’s response to this issue.  Gay marriage is now legal in 30 states and this is likely to grow to all states.  Nearly everyone knows an LGBT person.  If we fail to actively show love to this population, then it will, in my opinion, further divide the Christian church, it risks showing hypocrisy around the whole gospel message, and it will result in more lost souls (not just those LGBT individuals).

We were ready to start meeting, but then ran into some roadblocks.  One was finding a location for the meetings.  We also heard that some of our church leaders had some concerns about the ministry, which was preventing us from being able to move forward with the bridge building side of the ministry.  We met with some of these individuals.  One of these individuals said that they are worried that by showing love to the gay community, others may think the church condones gay sex.  This is EXACTLY why this ministry is needed.  Too many Christians do not know how to show love to LGBT individuals.  We want to have bridge building meetings where we go through a DVD series to help show others how this can be done.  Yet, this is such a contentious issue, we cannot yet do this.  My heart is racing… I pray God does a mighty work in these leaders that are struggling with this issue.  

  

In my next blog I plan on comparing the churches love for other populations that were formerly shunned by the church, such as those who are divorced.  I'm preparing myself that I may also offend some of the population that has been divorced, since in many cases, I also believe divorce is a sin.  (I am NOT having fun yet!)

Being Gay Versus Listening to Rock Music?

Before I was saved, I asked a very good friend of mine if as a Christian, was listening to hard rock music wrong.  She told me if God wants me to change and not listen to hard rock, then He’d convict me about that.  At the time, music was very important to me.  I thought Christians would judge me because of the music I listened to, so it may have pushed me away from going to church if I had received a different answer.  Going to church and feeling God’s presence and love for me was instrumental in my turning my life to Him.  If I had felt hatred from some Christians for listening to rock, I probably would have never stepped foot in a church.

For someone that is gay, there is much more bigotry, prejudice, and hatred directed at them.  Anyone that does not realize how prevalent the idea is for the GLBT community that Christians condemn and shun gays, and have been very hurt by them is either very naïve, in denial, or has some bigotry.    My daughters have been verbally abused by their family, who at one time said they loved them.  They were told by their step mother that they could never talk to or see their sister because they are gay.  Their paternal grandmother wrote a letter to them stating they were going to burn in hell for being gay.  Their dad rejected them and said he didn’t want anything to do with them because they were gay.  Their grandfather on one side said that he hates all lesbians and that they were no longer his granddaughters.  Their grandfather on another side refused to be around during the first holidays after Brandy came out.  That was my daughters first time not spending Christmas with him.  I also regrettably told my daughter she was ruining her life and should go to a Christian camp to change.  All but one of these people professed to be very strong Christians.  The way they are treated is of course, much worse than being judged for listening to rock music.  So, it isn’t a fair comparison.  But, bear with me to hear my point. 

I think that as believers, we should let God, through the Holy Spirit, convict others of what needs to be changed.  Yes, if they don’t know that God considers something wrong, then we may be led to tell them the truth in love.  But, I guarantee you that everyone that is gay already knows that the church thinks what they are doing is wrong.  It does more harm than good, to keep telling them this.  Instead of helping, it turns them away from Christians, the church, and ultimately God.  Is it really telling them truth “in love” to do this?  I believe there needs to be MUCH more love demonstrated to balance things out from all the condemnation the GLBT community has received.  And, besides, that is what WE as Christians, are supposed to do, to love others.  If God wants someone to change something, then God is the best one to determine what needs to be changed, when it needs to be changed, and how it should be changed.  There could be much more important things He wants to show someone first, like maybe that He loves them and has their best interests in mind.  I strongly believe we are just getting in the way of God by being so judgmental and unloving.

So, with a small group of Christians, we are going to try to do our small part in counteracting the negativity the GLBT community has had from people they usually identify as Christians.  We are going to Denver’s PrideFest this weekend.  We will replicate parts of the “I’m Sorry Campaign”, which we saw individuals with the Marin Foundation do at the Chicago Pride Festival.  We’ll have shirts that say “I’m Sorry”, signs with “We’re sorry Christians haven’t loved you like Jesus does”.  For the signs I’m creating for Pride, I’m adding scriptures about God loving them, how everyone who believes will be saved, and emphasizing that what they have seen from some other Christians is NOT how God wants us to behave.  These scriptures include the following: 

• For God so loved the world that WHOSOEVER believes in him shall have eternal life (John 3:16)
• And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.  God is love.  Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him (1 John 4:16)
• For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  (Romans 8:38-39)
• Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt of love one another for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law.  The commandments, “You shall not commit adultery”, “You shall not covet,” and whatever other command there may be, are summed up in this one command:  Love your neighbor as yourself. (Romans 13:8-9)   
• Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8)
• And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless on the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ – to the glory and praise of God (Philippians 1:9-11)
• Do not judge (Matthew 7:1)

My prayer is that from our action at Pride, at least one person that is gay or wondering if they are gay, would realize that not all Christian churches would shun them, that God loves them, and that many Christians care deeply about them.  If just one person is impacted, then it will certainly be worth it.

I think everyone would agree that my comparing listening to rock music and being gay at the beginning of this blog are not good comparisons.  However, again… who are WE to say what is most important in a particular person’s life for God to work through?   WE are not omniscient.  He is!  In regards to salvation, all sins are the same (Romans 3:23, 6:23 and James 2:10-11).   Is listening to rock music a sin… maybe for some people, it is.  The Bible states that everything that does not come from faith is sin (Romans 7:18).  But, I’m not going to say listening to rock is a sin for everyone.

I should say that many Christians and Christian churches do believe we are to love and show grace to everyone.  Some are very good at actually demonstrating this behavior.  However, there are also many that do not even realize how deep seeded their prejudice is, or how they believe so much incorrect information.  I get that, because I use to be the same way.  Not too long ago, I too would’ve said that I hated the sin, but loved the sinner.  But, believing or saying this is so far from actually feeling and demonstrating true unconditional love.  I wouldn’t have come upon this realization and started changing if it wasn’t for my two wonderful daughters.  Dare I say that I'm thankful for this experience?  Something to ponder…

Planning For Pride Fest

I believe God has provided a great opportunity.  Through a mutual friend, I was introduced to another lady who is also passionate about ministering to the GLBT community.  We’ve been discussing what we could do at the upcoming Gay Pride Festival in Denver to minister about God’s grace and love.  She had investigated some different options and one that would work is to hand out sunscreen and to pray for anyone that wanted prayer.  When I told my daughter Brandy about this, she showed me the below picture from Facebook of a group of Christians at the Pride Festival in Chicago.  I later found out my new friend had also seen this and had been inspired by it.

When I mentioned to 3 of my close Christian friends about our plans, I was met with some surprising resistance.  One of their points was that they didn’t think we should apologize for Christians, as if all Christians have treated gays poorly.  They thought it could be perceived as Christian-bashing when there are a lot of churches and Christians that feel and try to show God’s grace and love to everyone, including them.  I thought about adding the word “some” before Christians in our planned statement of “We are sorry Christians haven’t loved you like Jesus does”.  This seemed like it was diluting the message and didn’t seem as effective, but I couldn’t articulate it very well to them.  Then, after telling my new ministry partner about this, she stated very well what I couldn’t say.  She said, “I don’t want to change the signs because I feel like a tendency, as believers who want to extend grace and love, is to distance ourselves from the rest of the Christian community and sort of make it an us-and-them type thing where it’s like ‘these Christians do that, but we’re not like that.’  And I think in order for the power of the apology to be heard, it needs to come from the group that is doing the hurting.  I don’t think we can disassociate ourselves from that, as much as I’d like to.  I think we have to recognize that Christians, of which we are a part of the group, have done the hurting, and so we’re going to do the apology.  And that’s why I don’t want to say some Christians because we are a part of that.”  I totally agree with her!  So, we’re proceeding as planned with printing the original message on labels to place on sunscreen bottles and signs.  We’re also making shirts with “I’m sorry” on them.

The conversation with my 3 friends has stirred up a lot of emotions.  I'm going through some major life events right now including health problems, moving, and an upcoming trial for the murderer of a close friend.  So my waking up at 3 this morning and crying more thinking about this topic, is not all because of this single issue.  However, I do still have a lot to work through around this whole Christianity and gay topic.  It's not only a complicated issue with many different facets, but it also is very emotional for me for multiple reasons relating to my daughters.  I don't even know where to start.  I'm frustrated about how people without a personal tie to this subject don't really seem to care.  I'm confused how to explain the importance of this issue to people that already have a deep seeded prejudice and cultural bias, let alone mix that in with sensitivities around religious issues.  I'm angry at the individuals I've personally encountered that have been blatantly abusive and bigoted towards my daughters, especially when it is done under the name of Christianity.  That is NOT what Jesus would want!  That is NOT being a Christian!  I heard this morning how last week my daughter's sister was crying to her about thinking she's gay and unable to tell either of her parents.  She had made hints to her mother, who said "you're not a dyke are you, because if you are you'll burn in hell".  I just want to shake these type of people and slap some sense into them... okay, I realize violence won't help, but I'm so angry at people like this!!!   I guess I should stop now; more to come later.

Focus

I’ve been doing a lot of studying lately about the issue of being gay and Christianity.  At times I’ve been very enthusiastic about my studying, almost like I’ve been on a treasure hunt and finding gems in the Bible that reveal new revelations about this homosexuality issue.  Through all this studying, praying, and seeking, my mind often drifts to the question… “Is it a sin?”  I’ve wondered if my graduate school professor was right, and many others I’ve heard or read, that the homosexual issue is the modern day version of the civil rights and woman suffrage movements.  It has so many similarities.  Gays certainly are discriminated against.  They definitely have been hurt by bigotry and hatred.  They certainly need and deserve the good news message of Jesus.  We all do.

Yesterday one of those life impactful events that you will never forget occurred.  This morning I could see it is all a part of God’s plan and that it is not unrelated to this issue I’ve been writing about.  God has a plan for mine and my daughters lives that is bigger and better than any of us could ever imagine.  His way is clearly superior.  He is healing us, refining us, changing our hearts, and sanctifying us.

So, this major event and God’s revelation to me this morning, is shifting my focus back to where I believe He wants me to be.  Not focused on “is it a sin”, but on love.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you have a grievance against someone.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.  Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.  And be thankful.  (Colossians 3:12-15)

Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt of love one another for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law.  The commandments, “You shall not commit adultery, “You shall not covet,” and whatever other command there may be, are summed up in this one command: Love your neighbor as yourself. (Romans 13:8-9)

God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8)

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:38-39)

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16)

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8)

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love (1 John 4:8)

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.  God is love.  Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him (1 John 4:16)

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless on the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ – to the glory and praise of God. (Philippians 1:9-11)

God Calls Us to Love

The Bible is full of stories and affirmations about God’s love for us.  The Old Testament shows us many examples where we rejected and disobeyed God, yet He continued to pursue us.   God’s grace and love for us was best demonstrated by the ultimate sacrifice… sacrificing His son for us, while we were still sinning, when we did not deserve it. 

He also makes it very clear that the most important commandment He gave us was to love others (after loving Him).   His word not only explains what love is, but also shows us by example how we are to love.  That is our job.  That is what we are commanded to do.  It is not a Christian’s job to judge others, or to make sure others are aware of their sin.  That is God and the Holy Spirit’s job.  We get the fun part… to love God and others.  The closer we are to God, then the deeper our love gets.   

So why, do many professing Christians feel like it is their duty to point out how awful they think my daughters are for being gay.  My daughters have Christian family member on my side as well as their dad’s side that have been very abrasive and downright hateful about them being gay.  They weren’t asked their opinion.  They didn’t even have an active relationship with either of my daughters.  Yet, they clearly thought it was the right thing to do, to verbally assault them.   One even went so far as to actually say that he hated all lesbians, which of course meant he hated them.  Needless to say, I will no longer have anything to do with that family member, other than to continue to pray for him.

This issue goes beyond others simply thinking homosexuality is a sin.  There are many other things they think are a sin, but none where the individual committing the sin receive so much hatred.  What about other sexual sins, gluttony, gossip, lying, pride, love of money, drunkenness, or judging others?  Do you ever see individuals committing any other sin, receive so much rejection or hate?  Doesn’t everyone respond better to love?  Do these Christians realize how far they are pushing gays away from Christ?  Would they continue if they knew how many gays will not step foot in a church or open up to the possibility of having a relationship with Christ because of the way many Christians treat them?

And, it goes beyond hate the sin, but love the sinner.  But, I’ll write more on that some other time.

My Journey Today

It is amazing to me to experience the trials and tribulations I’ve had in my life and see how God uses them to cause me to grow in ways I never imagined.  From my childhood trauma, an abusive marriage, divorce, deaths, struggles my daughters have had, and many more difficulties, I can see how He has used them for good.  I can usually look back after the struggle and see how God helped me or those I love to grow.  I think it is a blessing when the Lord gives me a glimpse into His plan, even after I’ve been through the pain.   Often, the lessons include learning how depraved this world is, how good He is, and how I should trust him more and recognize and accept his help, strength, and love.  I often try to understand why difficulties are occurring in the moment, and wish I could know why things, that seem bad at the time, happen.  But, I see now that if the reason was revealed to me at the time, it wouldn’t have as much impact and influence on me.  It is as if He needs something dramatic to break through to me.  Some of the time, I imagine I also stretch out the pain longer than necessary, or make it feel worse, by not trusting Him and seeking His help, instead of trying to fix things myself.

The Lord uses events in everyone’s life to build character and to serve His purpose.  But I can only tell my own story.  I can see more now how God has been using my daughters being gay to serve a higher purpose.  It has taught me to grow in my ability to love unconditionallly.  I’ve learned about how much my own pride and will have clashed with His will.  I’ve had expectations for my life and my family that were not part of His plan.  Through all of this I’ve studied the Bible much more, prayed more and with more passion, developed more supportive relationships, become more humble, learned how to be kinder to all of God’s children, and my faith and relationship with the Lord has become stronger and better.

The last several months I’ve also been feeling a very strong passion towards “doing something” regarding this journey I’ve been on in a way to help others.  I have developed kindheartedness towards gays and want to help prevent the abuse and pain they experience.  However, I haven’t known what I should do.  I have a strong compassion for parents that are struggling regarding a gay child.  I’ve wanted to help them in some way.  I’ve thought the Lord was wanting me to start some sort of support or study group for gays and those that love them, struggling especially with the Christian aspect of being gay.  However, the need doesn’t seem to be apparent yet.  So, I grow with this lesson, learning more about waiting on the Lord.

Brandy’s Wedding

When Brandy told me she was going to marry her girlfriend I began an additional new leg of my journey.   I was thankful that in Colorado, gay marriage is not legal.   I had been fully supportive of Brandy when she was engaged to Josh.  We made a big deal of his surprise proposal, with lots of pictures.  We threw an engagement party and some of our family came from out of town for the celebration.  We quickly went out and picked out a beautiful wedding dress.  It was a very joyous occasion, with lots of celebration.

It was quite different when Brandy wanted to have a wedding ceremony with a girl.  It was more like morning the continual death of my dreams and expectations for my daughter.  I had told her I didn’t know if I would even come to the wedding and that I was certainly not going to pay for any of it.  Even though I loved her very much, I felt that by me being involved with or helping pay for her wedding, that I was somehow condoning what I saw as her “choice” to not only continue in sin, but to publicly renounce God’s divine purpose of a marriage between a man and a woman.   It seemed to me to be another moral issue.  It upset Brandy a great deal that I was not supportive of her wedding and pending marriage.

As the months went by, I wasn’t involved with Brandy’s wedding preparations.  Brandy became very resentful of this, even resorting to using my credit card (without my permission) to make online purchases for the wedding.  There was major drama between us when all that finally came to light.   We both felt a great sense of betrayal on various levels.

With time, I began to get to know Brandy’s fiancé better and actually started liking her.  As the wedding approached, I softened up to not only the idea of going to the wedding, but also helping a little bit.  I recognized that even though I didn’t agree, my daughter saw this as one of the most important days of her life.  My heart tugged at me to not let the wedding pass by without being involved.  I offered my home for the wedding reception and helped with some minor purchases.  I bought and wore a dress Brandy wanted me in as the mother of the bride.  

It was still all very odd and awkward for me.  I didn’t even know the words to use when discussing the wedding.  I was informed that they were both “brides”, and later would refer to each other as their “wife”.   Brandy didn’t like the word “partner” to be used.  She also didn’t like to be called “homosexual”, but preferred “lesbian” or “gay”.  When talking about my daughter and her wife with other people, I always felt like I needed to explain that I didn’t like her being a lesbian.   Even that phrase I stumbled over.  I was still struggling with the label of “lesbian” and preferred to say that my daughter saw herself as a lesbian, since I wasn’t so sure it was such a permanent state.  Having such a difficult time with just the words, you might be able to imagine how I struggled with the whole situation.

For the wedding, Brandy wore a beautiful wedding dress.  She looked gorgeous.  Two of her bride’s maids wore bridesmaid dresses.  Her fiancé wore pants and a vest, because that was what she was most comfortable in.  And her bride’s maids also wore pants.   My daughter Jenise, was a bridesmaid and had decided she wanted to wear pants, so she did not stand on the side with her sister, but with the other “pants wearers”.  She didn’t ever have a problem wearing dresses before, so even this minor detail was uncomfortable for me.  Did it mean Jenise was “butch”?

My daughter’s wedding wasn’t what I had dreamed of when she was a little girl.  But, I did my best to put my feelings aside and to see it from the perspective of my daughter.  I wanted her to be happy.

One Journey Was Not Enough

I have two daughters.  The oldest, and the one I’ve shared about my journey so far coping with her homosexuality, is Brandy.  Brandy says she is a “femme”.   She looks like every other young feminine lady, except she is more beautiful, of course.  Brandy was always a strong willed child, and was certainly the most difficult one to raise, especially during her teen years.  She is an extravert.  She is very easy to get close to, sharing easily what she thinks and feels.  She is also very emotional.  Fortunately, she is able to talk thru when she is sad and usually feels better as a result.  She is charming, very loyal and affirming to those she loves.  I absolutely love spending time with her. 

My second and youngest daughter is two years younger than her sister.  Her name is Jenise.   She is like me, an introvert.  While Brandy was living at home, Jenise was much more compliant and was very sensitive about pleasing Mommy.  She did great in school and had strong ethics, especially around lying.  She was one of the most honest teenagers you would ever meet.  She continues to have very good ethics.  She is very supportive, compassionate and sensitive.  She is very smart and has a unique, silly sense of humor.   

I knew Jenise had kissed girls, but she would avoid the subject when I would try to talk to her about it.  Brandy had told me Jenise thought she was bi-sexual, but Jenise would only tell me she liked boys.  She didn’t want to disappoint or upset me.  She had somewhat long relationships with boyfriends, so it was easy to downplay the significance of her kissing girls.  Wasn’t that a new fad, like Brittney Spears and Madonna kissing each other during a show?  Besides, I had to hang onto the dream of the typical grandmother scenario and vision I had for at least one of my daughters.  Denial comes so easily. 

A few years into my journey around Brandy, I began an additional journey that had a new twist.  Jenise came home with her hair cut to her ears.   She looked like what I thought was the stereotypical lesbian, which is referred to as “butch”.   My denial took a strong slap to the face.  I would’ve never dreamed that I would be so upset about a haircut.  I had seen my daughters with various styles and hair colors that I didn’t particularly like, but this was so different.  I unintentionally started rejecting Jenise and I became depressed again.   You would’ve thought  I had learned enough with Brandy, but no.  I still had much more to learn.

I learned that I had been in deep denial about Jenise, and also had some left with Brandy.  I had somehow, somewhat convinced myself that if they kept it to themselves and didn’t appear outwardly gay, that it somehow made it different, better.  I learned how embarrassed I was about my daughters being gay.  I had deep rooted prejudices against gays.  I didn’t know it was so deep.  After all, “I had a few gay friends”.  You cannot unconditionally love someone and be prejudice at the same time.  I had much more growing to do.

The Beginning of My Journey as the Mother of Lesbian Daughters

My journey in this arena began in 2006.  As of this writing, that was 5 years ago.   At the request of my oldest daughter, Brandy, I am going to try to recount the process and struggle I've been thru over these years.  I also will write about the continual struggles I am going thru at this time.  Our prayer is that it may help someone else that is also in that journey.  I also expect that the Lord will use this to continue deepening my faith and walk.  And, I pray that it will also help some other people to be more welcoming and loving towards everyone, including homosexuals.

I am not proud of the way I responded when my daughter first poured out her heart to me and revealed her sexuality.  Brandy came crying to me, needing my comfort.  Instead, I rejected her.  I pushed her off my bed and said that she was destroying her life.  For the next several weeks, I experienced a turmoil that I never would've believed, if I had not lived it.  I would wake up in the mornings thinking it was an awful dream.  I became very depressed.  It took me several months to even begin to cope appropriately to this major change.

It’s difficult to explain to someone that hasn’t gone thru it, the difficulty of this type of journey.  I had a lot more expectations of how my daughters would grow up than I had ever realized.  The realization that these were not going the direction I had expected was somewhat similar to going thru a death of your child.  It was a death of some of my hopes and dreams that I had taken for granted.  I also had the fear that my daughter was going to be ostracized and hurt by those around her.  I had many fears and misconceptions about the gay lifestyle.  And beyond that, as a Christian mother, I had the struggle of initially thinking my daughter’s salvation was in grave danger.  And, as a mother, I believed it was my responsibility to repair this.  However, she was a young adult, and I couldn’t force her to go the Christian camp that addressed this problem.  I could however, try other means to change her, which in my repressed codependent, “I can change other people” mindset, I tried to do.  I told her if she refused to go to the camp, then she needed to move out.  She promptly moved out.  And, my depression deepened.

I had seen the benefits of support groups, with my progress out of codependency (or so I had thought).  So, I searched for a Christian support group for me regarding this particular issue.  I called many different churches.  Eventually, I found Where Grace Abounds and I began attending their weekly meetings.  I also read every Christian book I could get my hands on for this subject.   Initially, I wanted to understand  how best to influence my daughter to change.  I was also trying to figure out how to cope with this and not go crazy.  I eventually learned that the best thing I could do for my daughter, and for me, was to unconditionally love her. 

Journey of Unconditional Love

I’ve always thought I unconditionally loved my daughters.  However, thru this journey, the Lord has deepened my understanding of the meaning and benefits of unconditional love.  And, by his grace, he has given me the gift of truly being able to love my daughters unconditionally.  And, he continues to use this to cause me to have a deepening love for others going thru similar struggles. 

I had been a single parent for most of my daughters’ lives.  We were very close and had a great relationship where we could talk about anything, or at least I thought so.  However, this new subject of being a lesbian was something I could not deal with.  I went thru all the phases of grief… denial, negotiating, anger, and acceptance, often all in the same day… well, not the acceptance phase until months later.  For the first several months I couldn’t talk about the subject, or see my daughter around her girlfriend.   I was rude to her girlfriend by not acknowledging her at all.  And, when talking to my daughters, I often pretended like it wasn’t real … denial.

By using books, Where Grace Abounds support groups, and speaking to me thru the Bible, the Lord eventually broke thru my pain and stubbornness and brought me to a new level of love.  I first came to the place where I could “hate the sin, but love the sinner”.  I began really seeing how conditional my love had been, and how this needed to change.  It’s easy to say you unconditionally love your children, until they continue to do something that you vehemently disagree with, something that seems terribly wrong.   I couldn’t have learned to unconditionally love my daughters without the Lord.  It is a continual process since we can always have our love deepened and widened.  I believe God has a purpose in this whole struggle, to teach me to love more fully, not only my own daughters, but others also.  What greater gift could I be given than love?

What my daughters needed most from me was my love.  It wasn’t my place to try to change them.  The Holy Spirit’s job is to convict and bring inward change.  It wasn’t my place to judge.  That is God’s job.